I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize