After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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