If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
