I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
