I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
