Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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