When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
