I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
