I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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