All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
