So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
