sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
