I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
