So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
