can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
