When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
