She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Randomize
