I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
