I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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