First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
