I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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