Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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