she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
