Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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