Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
