I can text with my tongue
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
