I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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