Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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