last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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