i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
