don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
