Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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