If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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