WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
