tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
