She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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