Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
