the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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