worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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