return my video game
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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