You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I checked into jail on foursquare
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
