i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
