You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Randomize
