dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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