Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
