i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
