I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
