i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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