Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
