He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
