I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
i now understand why vodka
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
