I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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