I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
