Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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